What I’m taking with me

Today, I went back to my college town, to clean out my college apartment one last time, I hadn’t lived there since graduating in December, but it still felt like mine. I even did what I’d usually do, get a maple latte at Blue Owl, get lunch at one of my favorite spots. Then I walked into C21, walked into 2 and a half years of memories. There is something so weird and unexplainable about physically being in a place that you’ve mentally left months ago. I saw so many versions of myself in there, happy, stressed, ambitious, independent, insecure, heartbroken, passionate, overwhelmed, restless, loved, excited. As we cleaned and threw away things that I forgot I owned or even bought, I realized how much I’ve changed since I walked through that door for the first time. Not just in habits, but in values. In how I think and in what I want. I don’t see the world in the same innocent way anymore. I’ve formed beliefs that don’t align with people I once thought I would be close to forever, and I am okay with that. I know what I value now, I know what I believe in whether politically, morally, or spiritually. I questioned so much during college, but those questions gave me answers. All the mistakes I made, and all the stupid moments I’ve had where I was just like why the fuck did I do that are a part of me.

Since December, I’ve moved home, started my career in April, and none of it was what I pictured. For a while I had FOMO and was jealous of people I know who moved to bigger cities, had fancier jobs. But then I realized just how lucky I am to have the chance to pause and reflect and figure out what kind of life I actually want. Success looks a little different to me now than how it did last year, now it looks like peace of mind, alignment, and choosing people and places that feel good to me. I’ve changed the way I respond to things. I don’t over-analyze people’s actions or wonder why they are the way they are. It has nothing to do with me, gaining that realization gave me peace. But even with all that clarity I still grieve people and places. It’s a specific kind of sadness to grow apart from people. And it’s okay to miss people you’re not supposed to, even if the version of them you miss doesn’t exist anymore. It’s okay to grieve people who are still alive, and to feel heartbroken over a friendship that quietly fell apart. Letting go doesn’t mean pretending like I don’t care, or that it doesn’t matter. Some people and places are meant to shape your journey, just not stay with you forever.

There were people I left behind (or who left me behind) that taught me a lot. Like the person, who taught me that sometimes it’s healthier to give up on someone than to try to love them into changing. My shitty roommate, who taught me that some people only like you when you’re agreeable and don’t challenge what they want. Or the roommate whose room was across the hall but never became a friend, sometimes connection doesn’t happen and that’s okay. The guy I was seeing my final semester, who taught me that the perfect person doesn’t exist and neither does the perfect relationship. And finally, the best friends I made, who I shared some of the best moments of my life with, my people, who made everything worth it.

Right now, I’m home, cuddled up next to my cat, Zaytoon, who I adopted during the fall of my junior year. I didn’t move to a big city or start a “dream job” but I feel so grounded, clear, and most importantly thankful. I’ve had moments this year where everything felt like it was falling apart. But through that, I also got the space to ask myself what kind of person I want to be, what kind of life I want to have. I have all the time in the world to grow and invest in myself. And I genuinely believe I’m where I’m supposed to be, even if it doesn’t look like how I thought it would. Everything is written.

I’m still figuring it out, but I know who I want to become, someone kind, intentional, and joyful. Someone who’s present, open and values connection. So, in this new stage of my life, I’m taking with me the girl who loves life, who’s addicted to having fun and good people. I’m keeping her curiosity and her dedication.

B